My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
