the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
