I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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