goodnight i made you a song goodbye
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
