recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
