Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we're chasing vodka with high fives
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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