Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They have beer where we have blood.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
