Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
