Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
