I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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