he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
