did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
