He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
