is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
