By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
As shirtless as possible
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
