you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
