I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
