I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
