those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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