dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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