i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
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When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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