For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
