I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
