remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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