he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
