I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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