my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
