For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
