I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize