He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is Oprah even human
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
