She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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