if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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