I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
