Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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