Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
