I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
