And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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