it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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