I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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