Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
