Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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