I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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