So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
