Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
