Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
