no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
