apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
