brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You peed on a flamingo?!?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
