Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My vagina just recognized that song.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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