Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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