i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
