We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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