Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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