i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't turn off my feet"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...