I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.