put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My cat gives me a boner
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.