fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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