he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
